The Destructive Power of Dissension

Months have passed since my last post and I have to admit that I have been a little too disgruntled to write passionately. My temperament is an obstacle which I can rarely maneuver around. You see, several months ago I began finding myself disagreeing with many things in my church. Allow me to clarify. To insinuate that I disagree with the doctrine would be misleading, rather it is the enormous amount of dissension which courses through the congregation. People civilly disagreeing is tolerable, but the frequent bickering and plotting is not what attracts me to this church.

I am allowing people to interfere with my time to worship. I know I should not. I see people in our church doing and saying things that should not be said or done outside of church, much less within the walls of God's house. The intent of revealing this is not for self-gratification, but rather as a means of explanation of the reasoning behind my lack of inspiration. I, like you, am a mere human. I make mistakes more than most. I know my limitations and my faults. My bravado and narcissism are kept in check more often than not.

I am simply tired of putting on my "happy face" at church when I am not happy there. I can honestly say that I do not feel God there. This is saying a lot, considering the lack prose which we enjoy by our pastor. Although the messages we hear weekly are inspiring, the tension in the church over-powers and smothers that inspiration.

The fact that I become tense, simply by walking in and seeing certain people, irritates me. What is more irritating, is the fact that I become irritated. I find it sad to see our church the way it is rather than the way it should be. The lack of Christian ethics there is intolerable. Seeing certain people becoming leaders in our church when they are not biding by God's rules, infuriates me. Seeing people persuading, raising, and encouraging their children to live a homosexual lifestyle is wrong. What is more wrong, is allowing that person to have an influence over other people's children without even pointing out to that person their errors, is simply absurd. People have never had a problem pointing out my faults. I may not have appreciated it at the time, but I do now. I learned from my critiques. Maybe other people need to learn from their own arbitrary critiques.

I know, I know...You are saying, "Good luck with that one," right? That is simply another point of frustration. It is simply impossible to make the "Me" generation see the light. Am I being too pessimistic? Probably, but frustration needs a vent and this is my vent. I have prayed and I have used positive thoughts, but cannot shake this animosity. I don't like what I am becoming. I am happy outside of church and become a pessimist once within the walls.

How do I shake this? Is this normal? I have been thinking of looking for a different church. I may possibly even leave Methodism. The structure of the church allows for too much trouble. I have not felt this far from God in years. What should I do? I haven't touched my Bible in for over a month. Maybe I should pick it up and search for the answers. I may be able to put on a fake smile and pretend to be righteous, but He who matters, knows better. I want the passion in my faith again.

If you have some advice, please share. Inspire me.

-Brian