Possibly Apostasy

This weekend I joined fellow church leaders to a retreat to discuss various aspects of our church. I shared a room with our music director (who is fast becoming a dear friend). In one of our many discussions, he enlightened me with a copy of Beware the Pretenders, by John MacArthur, Jr. The book, which is a mere ninety-six pages, opened my eyes to a side of myself which is bringing concern like none I have had in years.

I am fully aware that I am often on a soap-box and think I truly know the truth of life. I become content in my faith and readily point to the flaws in behavior and the faith of others. As I do when working on behavioral and mental flaws, I train myself to correct them. After reading this tiny book with such a big message, I see myself in a different light. I am finding myself questioning my faith and reasoning. Self-evaluation often allows me to see the light, but I am truly wondering whether or not I am the devout man I have tried to become.

Am I one of the many of whom Jude has written? I am almost afraid to look so deep into myself to answer this question. I am putting forth effort to live the life I should. I adversely overcome obstacles in my life and faith, but continue to sin. Oftentimes repeating the same sins on such a regular basis that I am not even aware that I am committing them. By the shear repetition of sins do I deny my faith in the Lord?

After reading the book of Jude, my mind drifted to 2 Timothy 3:1-4, which says:

"But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God."

What could be more frightening than this statement? This describes me, no matter how much I deny it. I am often vain, which is loving myself. I strive and work for more money and do not tithe as I should. A full ten percent is demanded and I do not give ten percent. I often boast of various aspects of my life. I too often am proud of what I have accomplished, no matter how inconsequential. I am abusive at times in my language, and by neglect, I am abusive to my faith. I have a life full of disobedience to my parents. I take too many things in my life for granted, which shows how ungrateful I am. By being all of these things, I am being unholy. I love my family and friends, but struggle with loving my enemies. I do not forgive as easily as I should. Slanderous words come from both my mouth and pen. I am too hasty and rash on many decisions. Conceitedness goes along with my vanity. I love selfish pleasure, which includes constant entertainment. This includes watching violent movies instead of devoting that time to Christ.

With all of these faults, can I be the Christian I claim? Will I see the gates of heaven? I do not devote my life to Christ in the manner which is demanded. I often behave in ways I should not and always look to see what I am getting in return. These are not behaviors of a Christian, are they?

By acknowledging this abundance of misgivings, how do I change them? Can I change them? I try to be all I should, but fail miserably. Will I be shown mercy simply because I have put for a minuscule amount of effort? I hope so.

I am concerned that, unlike Lot, I will not survive my Sodom and Gomorrah. I ask, how many will? I do not believe I am an apostate, but I am a sinner who struggles blatantly with evil and loses. I may not be much better than an apostate.

May God's graces bless you,

Brian